Self-care isn’t (only) bubble baths
Self-care is not about bubble baths, drinking wine or binging on Netflix… (although sometimes it is – the point being it’s not just about these things). Self-care is mostly about self-awareness – and that’s why it’s sometimes quite hard! We THINK we know ourselves well. We don’t. Or maybe we do but because we’re much better at putting others first; we don’t pay attention to what we actually need.
It takes effort to tune in to our bodies and minds which is why half the time we don’t bother. We are too busy and too afraid to stop and think about what we need to do or change because it can feel like compromise, making sensible decisions or spending time on something that isn’t productive. We block out the warning signals, instead responding only to our immediate desires or needs. We say, ‘this is fun but I’ll regret it tomorrow’ or ‘I just don’t have time for a lunch break because I need to meet this deadline.’
So... What happens when you experience that regret the next day or you don’t eat lunch?? You probably find a quick fix and carry on because you’re too busy to work out a better plan, even though you KNOW quick fixes aren’t sustainable. Self-care works best when we do it proactively rather than reactively which is why we might not feel better straight away and why we don’t keep it up.
There’s a saying that’s meant to help us with being better at looking after ourselves – you know the one. “You can’t look after others unless you look after yourself”. It suggests the only reason you look after yourself is so that you can look after others. A lot of us are having to look after others much more than we did before so this is important and very true, BUT it still takes the focus and outcome away from our own needs.
How about this as an alternative: “Look after yourself so you can feel happy, calm, energised and healthy… so you can enjoy your life, or survive difficult situations, or thrive when you want to.”
A list of things that count as self-care (based on my own list)
It’s not having a coffee in the afternoon (or at all) because you know you won’t sleep properly.
It’s about limiting alcohol because you know you have a short fuse when your head is fuzzy the next day.
It’s about saying no to that catch up because you need time to yourself or away from a screen.
It’s about saying yes to that catch up because you know you need to feel connected.
It’s about drinking a glass of water even when you’re not thirsty.
It’s about taking time away from your desk/screen/kids even though you feel OK in that particular moment.
It’s about letting go of guilt about ‘letting someone down’ because you know the impact is that you’ll be letting yourself down.
It’s about missing out so you don’t miss out.
It’s about being gentle with yourself when you don’t get something done.
It’s about accepting that you’re imperfect, along with everyone else.
It’s about accepting that your loved ones are imperfect, along with you.
It’s about knowing that your brain would perform better with a task if you did it tomorrow.
It’s about knowing that you’ll feel better if you just do that task now.
It’s about actively taking time to reframe any negative thoughts. (See here for post on reframing negative thoughts)
It’s about taking time to breath, stretch or move your joints, even though there’s something else that needs your time right now.
It’s about crying and feeling.
It’s about finding someone to talk to.
It’s about asking for help.
It’s about listening to yourself.
It’s about listening to others.
It’s about noticing yourself and your needs every day.
It’s about having bubble baths*, drinking wine and binging on Netflix.
*If a bath is your thing, then you could make it into a sensory, mindful experience. This might be going all in with essential oils, music and petals (!), or it might be noticing the texture of the sponge that the kids have chewed to death, looking at the patterns in the water, listening to the dripping tap, feeling the enamel on your skin. (Guess which one I do!)