How to be better: asking for feedback
I’ve previously talked about focusing on strengths when making decisions or struggling with confidence, but there is a place for looking at the ‘not so good at’ list and that’s when we want to be better. When being better at something could make a real difference to how we perform at work and in life. The problem is, we don’t always know what we’re not good at. As humans, we are very good at deceiving ourselves thanks to our blind spots and eternal quest for fitting in.
So, how do we get past our own deception? Two options:
1. Start with yourself. Peel back the layers and examine your thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
2. Ask someone else. Ask someone you trust for feedback.
Start with yourself
This might seem like the easiest option, but it takes time and effort to look inwards. Ask yourself these questions and write down as many details as possible (don’t do this in your head – it’s too much for one brain to hold):
Is there a task or aspect of your work that you do regularly where you never or rarely walk away with the outcome you want?
Is there a task or aspect of your work that you avoid at all costs?
For each task:
Consider your thoughts, feelings and behaviours, before, during and after.
What’s the outcome of the situation?
What would change this? Is it something you potentially have control over?
Continue to peel back the layers until you start to notice patterns. You might be surprised by what comes up.
Ask someone else
I can hear your footsteps quicken as you run for the hills. But stay with me while I give a few harsh truths about why this is a good option… and then I’ll be more constructive.
If our areas for improvement relate to communication or collaboration, then the best-placed people to help are those who are part of these situations. You wouldn’t design a product without asking the end user for input. The same is true when you are designing yourself.
You may feel bad when you get feedback from someone else but not getting it doesn’t mean that person doesn’t think it anyway. Hearing and acknowledging something out loud can give us the boost we need to take action because we are suddenly accountable.
If you’ve ever given feedback to a co-worker or client, you know how much easier it is when the person acknowledges what you’re saying instead of pretending there isn’t a problem. Don’t be the person pretending, even to yourself.
And now for the more constructive bit… seven tips on how to go about getting feedback and what to do with it.
Feedback has to come from the right person. In an ideal world, it’ll be someone you trust to be non-judgemental. Don’t choose the person who always says what you want to hear.
If it’s work related, someone who knows your work but isn’t directly affected by what you’re doing is best. Try a co-worker at the same level, rather than a manager or someone you manage.
If it’s something more personal, a friend, rather than a family member, is likely to have enough distance to be supportive and objective.
Ask politely, explain what you’re doing and say thank you afterwards (Obviously! But my manners are the first thing to go when I’m nervous).
Carve out time and space for the conversation and do it face-to-face, if possible.
Be specific. If you show you’re self-aware, the other person will feel more comfortable in supporting you. “What am I like?” isn’t going to get you very far. “I don’t think I’m direct enough when I’m giving instructions. What do you think?” is a better way to get a useful answer.
Be prepared to feel a bit ‘funny’ afterwards. This discomfort is what will help you be better.
Remember that the other person will respect and admire you for having this conversation. They are unlikely to think anything negative about you. They’ll be more concerned with whether they managed to give you constructive feedback. (If they didn’t, it doesn’t matter. Move on.)
Ask yourself the following questions afterwards to help you make changes:
What do you already know about yourself that will help?
Can you use your strengths to help you? (e.g. I’m not great at speaking up in group situations but I am a good listener. If I focus on deep listening instead of worrying about what I’m not saying, then it’s easier to feel that my contributions are relevant.)
What’s your reaction when you’re disappointed with the way something happens?
What would be different if you didn’t react this way? Use this as motivation.
Have you picked up other new skills recently? How did you do it? Can you apply those learnings to this one?
Final word
Start with yourself
Make a list of three people who you trust to give you feedback
Approach the first person on your list
Follow the seven tips